


Fireteam Daybreak: Thanatonaut- The Deep Stone Crypt

by TheShadowsmiths



Series: Fireteam Daybreak [6]
Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, FireteamDaybreak, destinythegame - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2018-11-12 07:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11156862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShadowsmiths/pseuds/TheShadowsmiths
Summary: Laila takes a trip through her memories to find herself again, but to do so she must first experience death.





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laila has endured a near-death reset, though it has again stolen away her memories of her former Fireteam, of her friends, and her love. In her new life she has traded her Arcblade for the Void Bow, a symptom of her changed personality. In light of the weight of his guilt, Cayde takes it upon himself to help bring back the friend who had helped him through so many hard times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Bungie.net](https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/211065569)  
>  **Deviantart** : <http://fav.me/daekwk7>  
> **Tumblr** : <http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/148868401998/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-prologue>

His face was clear as day- Cayde’s cheek and brow plates had contorted into the same look he’d worn the day that Andal died. It was disbelief, painted by grief and coated in passive, simulated strength, like he was bracing himself for that which might destroy him at heart. Cayde’s hand was stiff beside his thigh, fingers nearly touching the grip of his hand canon, unsure, unprepared, in comparison to her more passive demeanor. 

Laila knew what came next and she was ready. She had faced death many times before but had never _allowed_ it to take her, much less at the hand of a friend. She briefly wondered what she would see in her final moments, before she traveled to the deep stone crypt for the seventh time, and what she would be like if she awoke again. Hopefully someone different. Hopefully, she would be the person she’d kept hearing about, the person her friends had known and adored- the one who laughed and loved with all her heart, who embodied light itself, not the frigid weapon the Void had brought back.

Laila watched the flicker of remorse in Cayde’s eyes before she closed her own and quietly hoped that he would be able to forgive himself for what he had to do. Although she couldn’t remember just how much his friendship had meant to her, she’d grown to like Cayde and didn’t wish him to suffer more than he already had. She could see that the thought of it was making him twitchy, anxious; but more than that, she could see his instincts winning the war against his feelings, his wavering faith, his cruel sense of support. This wasn’t _just_ about Merric and the rest of Daybreak, Cayde needed her back too. Maybe soon she’d understand why.

“Do it.”

There was a quiet groan from his chassis ( _a resigned sigh_ ) as a hot flash illuminated his cheeks and throat; eyes flickered her way and he pushed back the sickness in his gut. “Are you sure...?” he asked uncertainly, more to convince himself that he was doing the right thing than to solidify her decision.

Laila nodded without a hint of hesitation in her and he grimaced, steadied his resolve. 

“Alright then… deep breath.”

The gears in his jaw froze as his hand gripped the weapon tight and snapped it up between her eyes. There was a flash, a loud clap, then the grinding of metal piercing metal.


	2. Memory 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laila awakens in the memories of her past, traumatized and disoriented. She doesn't realize it's only a dream but she knows something is very off because she keeps having flashbacks of a life she shouldn't remember, and a man she doesn't recognize. Desperate to get to the bottom of it, she chases one of Clovis Bray's new test subjects, whose bears the same name as the man from her visions, and what she finds is alarming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Bungie.net](https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/219825893)  
>  **Deviantart** : http://fav.me/dasdf7c  
>  **Tumblr** : <http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/154711927143/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-memory-1>

_“Do it.”_  
There was a quiet groan from his chassis (a resigned sigh) as a hot flash illuminated his cheeks and throat; eyes flickered her way and he pushed back the sickness in his gut. “Are you sure...?” he asked uncertainly, more to convince himself that what he was doing was right than to solidify her decision.  
Laila nodded without a hint of hesitation in her.  
Oh how she hoped this would work...  
“Alright then… deep breath.”  
The gears in his jaw froze, hand gripped the weapon tight and snapped it up between her eyes. There was a flash, a loud clap, then the grinding of metal piercing metal. Her vision blurred, then static, then nothingness. 

Laila fell and hit the ground hard, and as she jolted awake with a sharp gasp she swore she could feel the carbon fiber muscles in her dreaming body strain. Eyes tore open and she snapped one hand over her pounding heart as consciousness settled in. Eyes blinked rapidly as she panted and searched the room for- for…

“Woah woah _hey_ , Laila, honey… easy...”

Rough, gentle hands moved over her shoulders to cup the back of her head and roll her over to him as he shushed her and held her close, fingers tangling into long black locks of hair and lips soft on her forehead. Indescribable comfort washed over her as she leaned, trembling, into his arms and needily burrowed into him. Fingers wrapped tight around his biceps and she buried her lips in his shoulder with one hand still scratching lightly at the back of his arm.

“Merric I-”

“Shh shh, it’s alright, it’s alright… it was just a dream…”

 _A dream…? It felt far too real for it to have been “just a dream”_ , she thought. The depth of the life she had led weighed heavy on her heart- the things she’d endured, the people she’d known and loved, the hopeless state of the world in which she’d lived... what did it mean?

“What was it this time?”

There was a long pause as she hesitated to answer him and she swallowed and closed her eyes as she let herself relive it again. Death, rebirth, new life, new purpose, darkness, death, _too much death_ … brows and neck twitched as a quiet groan gurgled in her throat, and she squirmed uncomfortably. Where should she even start? 

Red morning sun streamed in through the curtains drawn closed over the window taking up most of the far wall from floor to ceiling, drawing her back to reality and helping to ground her in the present, that which wasn’t a dream. “I died,” she replied in as plain of words as she could manage. “ _Several times_.”

There was a long silence between them as she lay there listening to him breathe, until he squeezed her softly and rested his cheek against the side of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be!” she reassured with a long, controlled sigh, hugged herself tighter in his arms. “All in all, it was rather fascinating to experience, it was just- _overwhelming_.” She stopped as the face of the man who’d shot her pervaded her thoughts- artificial, organic… blue-eyed and expressive. It was a face she knew she’d seen before but couldn’t remember where, a face that triggered feelings of intense fondness but also frustration and aggravation. Whoever he was, she’d known him well, she’d felt it deep down. But who was he? Fingernails scratched idly at her scalp as she tried to remember.

Merric gave a blank stare directed over her shoulder at the wall and blinked. _Spoken like a true scientist_ , he thought to himself as he exhaled. “Dying in my dreams isn’t exactly what I’d call _fascinating_.” 

Laila shook her head as she pulled away from him, sat up and leaned with her back to the wall, reached up and ran a hand through her hair to pull it out of her face. “It wasn’t my death that was fascinating, but the depth of the world, and my place in it,” she confessed as eyes settled on the sheets at the edge of the bed, voice trailing off as she finished her thought. “As if I’d lived half a dozen lives...”

“ _Oh_.” He blinked again, this time understanding how a dream like that could have carried so much weight. “Do you remember much from those lives?”

Laila pursed her lips and just barely shook her head. “Not much,” she replied as she remembered the man again- wild-hearted, charismatic, arrogant, brooding… there was no point mentioning him until she knew who he was, and she already knew who he _wasn’t_. “It was more of a feeling really, hard to explain, like déjà vu-... _ah_ ,” As she remembered she stopped mid-sentence, smiled quietly and turned her eyes down to her hands with a bashful chuckle. “But I do remember one thing.”

“What’s that?” he asked with idle curiosity as eyelids lulled shut. 

“I remember you,” she said as she reached over and placed a hand softly over his; Merric’s expression softened and his head lay back down onto his pillow as fingers threaded between hers and squeezed at her hand, which comforted her. “You were always there: sometimes not as yourself, sometimes as someone, some-... _thing_ else, but I _knew_ it was you.” 

Merric reached up with one hand, cupped her cheek, and pulled her down to his level so he could kiss her sweetly, which she reciprocated with a needy whine and soft fingers around his wrist. Forehead pressed to hers as eyes opened to find hers, a serious look crossing his face. “You know I’ll always find you wherever you go, doesn’t matter what life.”

Laila nodded as blue eyes flickered open and looked back into his, and her heart throbbed wildly as glowing red eyes flashed back at her for just a moment before they were gone, replaced by the amber color of his irises. Lids pressed tightly shut as she reached up and rubbed at them with her index finger and thumb. These images just wouldn’t go away, she couldn’t go about her day like this- pensive, distracted; she’d never get any work done. 

She slipped off the edge of the bed and pulled on a robe on her way to the bathroom, and he did the same, halfway. As he listened to the quiet hum of her sonic toothbrush, he turned and placed his feet on the warmed, tiled floor. Merric leaned over the edge of the bed with both hands on either side of him, gripping into the mattress, and turned just enough to direct the question over his shoulder. “Are you stopping by the studio this morning before work?”

“Yes,” she replied earnestly as she took a brush to her hair, hands raking it through with a flustered energy before separating it into chunks to braid it loosely to one side. “So I’ll find you in the labs later today.” 

Something was still bothering her, he could tell by her mannerisms and how quick she was to dismiss him accompanying her. “No breakfast then?”

Laila turned and peered through the door at him as she pinned her braid up into a bun at the back of her head. As he made his way across the room and turned her chin up to look at his face from the ten-inch height difference, she grinned. “Not right now, but save me some pancakes?”

The man sighed and rolled his eyes as he leaned down to steal another quick kiss. “I’ll leave em’ at your workstation,” he agreed as he squeezed her upper arm softly. “We have a security briefing this morning I’ll have to get to before you’re done. We have new recruits coming in on this morning’s transit.”

“Surprised they haven’t decided to comprise the guard entirely of Exos,” she commented as she twirled around the room collecting her dance leggings, chalk bag, and a tight fitted long-sleeved shirt. “But I’m more surprised they were able to find volunteers after the last accident.”

Brows popped and he nodded in agreement as he pulled his shirt over his head and opened the closet. “Yeah well… Exos are efficient, but better suited to War. They don’t have the higher cognition algorithms necessary to make important judgment calls that would save lives. _They aren’t human_ , so they carry out orders without regard for casualties, and with the work being done here they just can’t afford to take that chance,” he explained as he pushed around a couple hangars before pulling out a pair of slacks and an officer’s button-down shirt. 

A half-smile pulled into one cheek in hesitation, as if she wanted to tell him something. “Well… once we’ve finished developing our AI, sentience shouldn’t be a problem.”

“That’s all well and good, but it may be a while before we see any truly sentient Exo,” he replied as he buttoned his shirt from the top-down; Laila’s eyes quietly lowered to the armoire in front of him in a knowing silence. “Besides,” he continued, “Clovis Bray pays well and the work is as interesting as it gets for civilian guards. Hell of a lot better than combing terminals looking for contraband or bombs.”

“Mmmmm,” An understanding sound rolled in her throat as she finished dressing and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator on the far end of the room. “I can _only imagine_ , sounds terrible,” she teased with a coy smile and a wink as she took a few backward steps toward the door. “Well, not that I think you will, but don’t go easy on them. They need to know the risks of Exoscience research.”

Merric smirked at himself in the mirror and side-eyed her on her way out the door. “Course they do- wouldn’t _dream_ of it.”

Laila’s hand gripped a little tighter around the handle and she swallowed hard at the word “dream” as she pulled the door shut behind her and kept her eyes on her hand, thoughts drifting back to the face in her dreams, the voice, what he’d said. _Helping you remember_ , he’d said. Remember _what_? 

Laila turned into the dark room and took a few steps forward on the lacquered wooden floors of the studio and stooped to set down her keys and water bottle, then stood and tapped at a keypad on the wall beside her to turn on the lights and dim them as a soft piano melody filled the room; she’d always thought better when dancing alone in the dark. 

Flats slipped off as she dusted the chalk between her fingers, then onto her bare feet. Already she could feel herself moving to the rhythm of the melody. One hand wrapped around the wooden railing as she stretched one leg out long up and over the bar and leaned forward over it with both hands reaching for her ankle, then back behind her head to stretch her stomach before switching to the other leg, and then her shoulders and arms. 

When she was satisfied with her stretches and feeling nice and limber she turned away from the wall and gazed across the room. Toes traced the floor in circles as she stepped toward the center of the room, then planted one foot flat on the ground and swung both arms up tall as she swung the other leg around, locked out long and strong, and threw herself into a controlled spin. Though she spotted the wall, after the fourth, fifth, sixth spins, the room had started to blur, and she could have sworn she was seeing… sparks of light? Flashes of crackling blades. She could almost _feel_ the light surging through her, the arc swarming, circling, colliding blade to blade.

_KSHH, CRACK. There he was again._

Leg shot back out and she almost came to a dead stop but vaulted into a leap with bent legs, one arm strong next to her ear and the other out to her side, dipped down with her upper body on the landing and tucked one leg under her as she spun around on toe, swept herself upright, and stopped to stare at her reflection in the mirror with an uneasy frown. Blue eyes stared back at her from a face she barely recognized, as if _it_ was the memory. 

Hands slowly lifted to her shoulders and slipped over them, up her neck, her olive cheeks, and gripped at the sides of her head. Why could she remember so much about this dream world when she couldn’t even remember the last 24 hours? _The wars, the people, the horrors looming in the shadows-_

The witch’s screams pierced her thoughts like an arrow and she flinched suddenly, pulling her arms and upper body down toward the floor, but channeled it into a fluid movement and swiveled herself around as she pranced around the room. Memory after memory flickered through her as she moved on instinct, twirling, leaping, rolling; even this was familiar. They’d called it Bladedancing. Bladedancing led back to the Shadowsmiths, the Shadowsmiths led back to Twilight Gap, Twilight Gap led back to Nik, Nik to Andal, Andal to-

_Him._

Cyan eyes stared back at her from behind the iron-sights of a hand cannon and she gasped loudly, spun and dropped to the floor as the gun went off; as her body hit the floor with a loud thud and the clatter of her necklace against the planks, she was ripped back to reality, throbbing heart and gasping for breath and all. The room came back into focus, the lights, the music, the pale blue walls… she felt so far away from it all even though she was in the moment, could feel the floor, could smell the chalk on her hands. Was this place really home? Did she belong here? 

_It felt like he was trying to tell me something_.

None of this made sense, and the more she thought about it, the greater the intensity of the dissociation and frustration. Why was she thinking so hard about this? Of _course_ she belonged here. _This_ is what’s real. _This_ is what’s tangible, no matter how real her dreams may have seemed. Laila sat up and gazed across the room to see Merric’s face in the window. She wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there or even how long she’d been there for, but it was normal for him to have stopped by on his way to his post. A small smile tugged into his fair cheeks and his eyes lingered on her for a moment more before he left, something she needed to do as well. Hands lifted to rub at her eyes with the backs of her knuckles and she stood to grab her things and shut off the lights. 

It was a short walk back to her living quarters, but she always managed to find herself getting lost one way or another. Laila glanced out the windows stretching the entire length of the building, out across the red sands of Mars and the towering structures dotting the horizon, multiplying by the day. It was Clovis Bray’s legacy, at the height of the Golden Age, and she was proud to be a part of it.

After a quick shower to wash the chalk and sweat from her body, she threw on a skirt and blouse under her lab coat, and pulled on a pair of knee-high boots before grabbing her badge and a stack of books off of her desk in the lounge, and whisked herself out the door and down the hall in the direction opposite of where she’d been before. 

Freehold was busier today than it had been in years- although the civilian transport had brought new, hopeful guards, it had also brought aspiring scientists to tour the facilities, which meant an overabundance of Civilian fodder. Clamoring voices echoed down the steel-plated halls slow and sluggish, as she wove through the crowd on her way to her suite, notebooks in hand and lab coat flapping open as she brushed past a few of the wayward students.

A few minutes and several long hallways later, she placed a hand on the biometric scanner and held one open eye to the retinal scan and was greeted by a digitized voice.

_Good Morning, Dr. Essam!_

“Good morning, Gloria,” she replied casually as the door opened and she made her way toward her desk. 

_Shall I re-open entry 8.5.2 from where you left off yesterday?_

“That would be wonderful, yes please,” she replied as she moved to set her things down… but hesitated with a soft smile as she noticed the plastic box sitting on her desk beside a lidded paper cup. Laila organized her books carefully before she reached down to pull off the note, which read, _Pancakes, as requested, and a latte for good measure. Figured you could use it after last night. Call me when you get a chance, I’ll be at my post._

“Good Morning sleepyhead,” came a friendly voice from beside her, the owner of which grinned back at her fondly from behind slim rectangular frames. “Decided to sleep in a little today?”

Palms flattened against her face to hide her embarrassment as she shook her head quietly. “I had some nightmares this morning that I needed to work off…” voice trailed off as she lowered her hands and smiled with a sigh, “So I stopped by the studio before before I came in,” she admitted, eyes flickering up to meet hers.

“Oh,” she frowned apologetically, the playfulness draining from her face. “I’m sorry… I hope you’re feeling better at least?”

Head shook, jostling a few strands of hair loose from her braid, and she tucked them back behind her ears with two quick sweeps of her hand. “Not really… but I’ll make it through the day.”

Green eyes examined her cautiously, and she reached down to tilt her chin up to force her to look at her. “Laila… you sure you’re up for this? You know we can’t start collecting brain scans unless your head’s in the right place.”

Laila’s brows pressed down and together and she smiled quietly. “Eva… I’ll be fine by next week. Don’t worry.”

The brunette retracted her hand and shifted her weight onto her back foot. “Alright… but please, try to take care of yourself. And if you have anything you need to work through mentally, make sure it’s taken care of before the study starts.”

“Of course Dr. Larson,” she assured with a grateful smile. “I’ll drop by your office if the need arises.”

As she walked away, Laila looked back down at the note in her hand and frowned, guilt settling into the pit of her gut. For all the support he’d given her during her term at Clovis Bray- giving up his life on Earth, requesting a mundane post off-world, and spending half his life here on this red planet with her… he deserved to know the truth about the work she was doing. 

One hand tapped at the telepad on her desk, first to enter her security clearance code, then his extension, while the other lifted the earpiece and slipped the rubber arm over the back of her ear and the speaker into her ear canal, then looked up at the screen of her terminal as she waited for him to respond; seconds later, his smiling face flickered back at her, and she felt her cheeks flush. 

“Well hello there beautiful! I see you got my note!”

Eyes turned down bashfully before they glanced over at the coffee cup, which she reached for and raised into sight. “And the coffee… thank you, I did need that,” she noted as she took a sip with a satisfied _Mmm_. Perfect every time.

“Well, since I didn’t get to see you at breakfast, I just wanted to talk a little before you get too sucked into your work and forget to let me know you’re staying late again.”

She laughed quietly, embarrassed but fond. It was a fair assessment, she’d been staying late more and more frequently since they’d ramped up preparations to start testing, instead of sitting around crunching numbers and sharing theories… slowly the smile faded as she remembered what she’d wanted to do.

Merric didn’t miss a beat and caught on as soon as he saw her shoulders sink. “Those dreams still got you all messed up? I’ll bet some pancakes could help with that.”

The smile returned, sad but more loving than before. She’d never know how he knew her well enough to know when she hadn’t eaten yet. “It’s not that…” she said quietly before backtracking. “Well, that’s part of it, but that’s not what I was thinking about.”

He frowned, forehead scrunching in empathy. “What is it?”

“I need to tell you something-”

“Dr. Bray!” 

Laila’s head whipped around to glance in the direction the voice had come from and then back to Merric as she saw him enter the lab. 

“Tell me…?” he gestured for her to continue her thought, waiting anxiously.

“Look… I have to go, but we’ll talk later, I promise.”

“Laila wait, don’t just-”

“I love you.” 

She ended the call and cleared her screen just before he passed her workstation, and she greeted him with a “Good Morning, Dr. Bray” without looking up from her work. But when a masculine voice replied with a very coy “Well _good morning to you too_ ”, she glanced up from her work and into the winking blue eyes of Dr. Bray’s guest. Lids lowered into a leer and she huffed quietly at his grinning and went back to work, but casually side-eyed them as one of her other collaborators again called out to Clovis Bray’s Director of Applied Sciences.

“Excuse me… excuse me, Dr. Bray!”

The man rolled his eyes as he kept on walking. It was clear by the “posse” of armed guards in tail that he had more important things to do than entertain the concerns of one of his collaborators, when there were plenty of others around he could have spoken with.

“Dr. Bray, I have some concerns about the safety of this procedure…” he started in a timid tone, the hesitant flicker of his eyes and dejected posture insinuating that he already expected a reprimanding.

This time he stopped in his tracks and lifted a hand to press his fingers into his eyes and leaned over the cane in his left hand. “What is it?”

“It’s just-” The scientist stuttered, swallowed and recomposed himself with a deep breath. “We haven’t yet confirmed that transferring the consciousness of a living thing is even possible, it’s just a theory at this point-”

“Which will either be proven or disproven when you follow through with these tests, will it not?”

“Well yes, but there is a considerable chance for failure that is too great to ignore. The implications of using human beings as live test subjects, when there is a seven percent chance of failure… it’s unethical!”

“If we were concerned with the ethics behind consciousness transfer, we wouldn’t be studying it to begin with,” he replied in as calm a tone as he could manage. “We’re doing this for the benefit of mankind. I don’t care what the math says, ninety three percent is good enough for me,” he finished as he brushed past and continued on his way. 

“But Dr.! Using _civilians_ as test subjects?” he asked incredulously, eyes shifting between him and the man behind him.

“He knows what he volunteered for. Besides, Cayde doesn’t really have a choice- he either does this for me, or he has to pay me a lot of money he doesn’t have.”

_Cayde…?_

She knew that name… _how_ did she know that name? Why was it so familiar? Laila perked up around the side of her workstation to look at the man, to scrutinize his face, his expressions, the way he carried himself...

The man that had smiled at her stepped forward out from the center of the guards and lifted his hands with a helpless shrug. “Always nice to know you’ve got my back, Clovis,” he said sarcastically as he gave his shoulder a friendly pat, to which Dr. Bray snapped up a hand and smacked his arm away. 

“ _Don’t_ get friendly with me, _outlaw_.”

And then it came to her.

_Cayde! What have you done?! Are you insane!?_

Pupils dilated and eyes opened wide as she remembered. The world around her went dead silent. All she could hear were the little voices in her head, finishing the part of her dream she hadn’t been asleep to pay attention to. Now they were an echo- faint, but hard to miss. Laila’s breath hitched as she stared into the screen of her terminal with a thousand-yard stare, no longer looking at the algorithms and coding.

_Calm down Nyx, just give her a few minutes._

_Her light’s not strong enough to handle this yet, you rushed her into it-_

Laila watched half-heartedly as Dr. Bray and those with him continued down the hall and badged into a glass door at the far end of the lab, but this was too much. After a few long moments, she pushed up out of her chair and nearly ran out of the room, just to get away. Just to think.

_Laila’s light has always been strong, but with her missing such a large part of herself, she hasn’t been able to reach that point again. She needs her memories. You wait and see… when she comes back from this, she’ll be good as new._

Laila threw open the door to a chem lab not currently in use, swallowed and tried to catch her breath for several moments as she leaned back against the door. _Memories_..? She was in a _memory_? But it seemed so… real. How could she be dreaming? “No… no it’s just not possible…” she tried to reason as she paced toward the center of the room; fingertips trailed over the edge of the epoxy resin countertop, eyes following in deep thought and settling on the nozzle protruding up from the middle of the counter.  

 _Well_ , she concluded after about a minute of nipping at her thumbnail, _if this is a memory, I would have no memory of realizing this is a memory_ …  Hand slowly moved to flip on the bunsen burner and she furrowed her brow in hesitation. 

_Which means I would have never…_

Laila paused to think about what she was doing- if her hypothesis was incorrect, she’d regret this on her way to the physician’s office, but if not… what would happen if she remained passive in this place? Allowing herself to stay knowing somewhere else, she was needed. 

Without hesitating further, she held her breath, grit her teeth and shot her hand out into the open flame… but felt nothing; in fact, it passed right through her. Eyes widened as her heart leapt to her throat, and she pulled her hand back, held it up to her face and stared in shock as it shook, though unharmed and pristine. “I-” Laila exhaled hard and sudden, feeling herself shudder all over. “I can’t feel the pain because it never existed…! _Blighted light_ , this is a memory.”

The small quiver in her hand turned into a shiver that shot through her entire body, then turned into anxiety-induced shaking and a trembling in her lip. “But how do I-” 

The ground shifted hard beneath her feet, and she fell face first into the countertop, slamming her forehead into the resin and slumping heavily over it as the rest of her body went weak. Laila groaned as her feet slipped beneath her and arm muscles strained against the dizziness in her head to force herself upright; when she looked up again, the room was darker than she’d remembered, the edges of her vision blurring and disappearing at an alarming rate. Laila backed toward the door and pulled down on the handle as she realised she’d become too aware that she was dreaming, and the illusion had begun to deteriorate around her. 

The door burst open and she tore down the hall, arms swinging, hair falling and heels clacking frantically as she hurried back to her suite. Maybe he was the key, maybe he had the answers, or maybe he was just another piece of her memory, but she had to find out. 

The ground jolted again as more of the fabrication fell away and she braced herself against the wall- people walked right past her, into the darkness as it closed in, casual and unaware of what was happening, further evidence of what she feared to be true. Another huff and she pushed on, down the steps and through the atrium, down the hall and around the corner and smacked her badge repeatedly against the tap box on the wall until the glass doors opened, then rushed inside. Past the lab assistants, past the partners that she’d collaborated with on her research, then threw open the door to the processing room and stopped in the doorway. 

Chest heaved with exhausted breaths, in and out, as eyes fixed on the back of the head of a man sitting in a chair in an otherwise empty room. The ground jolted again and the lights flickered threateningly before coming back on again. Laila opened her mouth to speak but her jaw trembled, frozen and afraid of the answers he may give. 

But it was too late to forget now, too late to let the memory play on and live in this perfect world a little longer, where there was no pain, and she and Merric were still whole and happy, where she could never forget him again. A small cry gurgled in her throat at the thought, to which the man turned around and looked at her- he was human, blue eyes and brown hair as he had been before, but unrecognizable save for the name Dr. Bray had given. Laila swallowed, and closed her eyes as the tremors hit yet again. She had no idea what would happen should the memory collapse completely, and she was running out of time. 

“Cayde?” she asked fearfully.

Eyes narrowed and lips pursed as he tilted his head playfully to one side. Somehow she knew there was a little smirk hidden beneath the surface. “Who’s askin’?” he prodded defensively. 

“I think you know,” she replied with uncertainty in her voice and pleading eyes.

Surprise hit him and his entire face reacted in over-exaggerated animation. “ _Do I now_ … huh,” he started as he half-turned around in his chair with a coy little grin bordering on that smirk. “But I don’t think we’ve actually met.”

The ground shook again and she dropped to her knees with a yelp of surprise, but growled in frustration as she remembered one of the many times he’d played innocent when she needed something important. Laila clenched her teeth and closed her eyes, hands balling into fists on the floor. “Just cut the shit Cayde, it’s me, _Laila_.”

There was no immediate response but after a while she heard the chair creak and the sound of boots shuffling to turn around, could hear the fabric of a cloak flapping on the draft from the motion. Laila opened her eyes, and when she looked up she found the face from her dreams staring back at her. Cold steel, or maybe carbon fiber, painted with a cyan finish, and a pair of cyan bulbs flickering her way from under a brown leather hood, the sight of which made her throat clench painfully for some reason. An Exo, a hunter, a _Guardian_.

Brow trembled and lips pulled tight, half angry but mostly confused. “Who are you?” she asked with a cry, desperate and loud. “Why do I know you!?”

The plates on the Exo’s face moved in a way that resembled a person furrowing their brow and frowning in sympathy, but he said nothing. The ground shook more aggressively, but this time it didn’t stop; her chest quivered in fear as she nearly screamed.

“I’m begging you, _please_ , help me remember!”

There was a hot flash that illuminated his throat as gears in his jaw froze, fingers wrapping tight around the handle of his gun. Laila knew that look, that gesture, and her eyes went wide as she shifted back on her knees and held out a hand between them. 

“Alright then, deep breath.”

She drew in loud as he raised the weapon to her forehead with a snappy wrist and took the shot; her vision went dark, the world around her quiet, and when she’d calmed down enough to open her eyes again, she narrowed them painfully at the blinding fluorescent lights and raised a hand to shield herself from them. 

_Laila…? Laila can you hear me?_

A familiar voice called to her from across the room, and she moved her hand just enough to see the form of a woman in a white lab coat approaching her with a mile-wide grin.

_Do you remember me…?_


	3. Memory 1.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laila finalizes her research before becoming the first test subject for Clovis Bray's "Project Nirvana", and Cayde stops by to thank her for volunteering in his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Bungie.net](https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/227373339)  
>  **Deviantart** : http://fav.me/dbb6pyn  
>  **Tumblr** : <http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/160286136583/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-memory-15>

Blue eyes darted from screen to screen as stylus scribbled away at the tablet under her left hand and mouse clicked under her right. She’d been searching the coding for three days now, looking for inconsistencies and flaws- a misplaced period, an extra space in the margin, mistyped numbers in the formulas… any wrench in the cog they could have possibly overlooked.

Laila’s eyelids drooped and she paused in her work, put down her pen, and blinked as she set down her glasses and rubbed the tiredness out of her eyes with her knuckles. Sleep called to her but anxiety had kept her awake. The rest of her team had gone to bed hours ago, and yet here it was, three forty AM, and she was alone in a dark lab, with only the glow of her monitors and a desk lamp to ease the eyestrain.

She inhaled as she leaned back in her chair, looked up through the large circular skylight at the center of the room, and exhaled a heavy sigh. Phobos loomed overhead, on its first pass of the day, reflecting a glow so pale it could hardly be considered a moon. Moons were bright and beautiful, they lit up the sky; but Phobos was a dying light, the thought of which made her sad. Mars was beautiful and foreign, but it wasn’t Earth, it wasn’t _home_.

Blue eyes drifted down and settled on the dark space across the room and fixed their attention on the barely visible metallic gleam from Project Nirvana’s structural hub. So much hinged on its success, and she had made so many promises to a man who expected the secrets of the universe served on a silver platter. If only they’d had a little more time, and Clovis a little more patience, she wouldn’t be in this position: overworked, overwhelmed, and less than confident.

What would Clovis do if something went awry? What if it didn’t work at all? What if only a partial transfer took? What if _did_ work... but she died in the process? What if she wound up stuck with the body of a machine for the rest of her life?

Merric had already made his concerns quite clear- he wasn’t comfortable with Laila volunteering as the first to subject herself to Nirvana’s design. “Too many things that could go wrong”, he insisted, and he wasn’t wrong; seven percent was a large margin for error when one’s own life hung in the balance, which was exactly why she couldn’t allow the first subject to be someone that owed Dr. Bray a “favor”.

_To gain the confidence of others you must first have enough faith in your own work to put your life on the line, if necessary, to prove your hypothesis._

Words from a wise woman that had really stuck with her, words she’d uphold in the face of unethical procedures in the workplace. She would not make the same mistakes as her predecessors.

But _what if_ something happened? Something irreversible?

Her head rolled back over the headrest of her chair as she closed her eyes and groaned in exasperation. It was too late to change her mind now. All she could do to make sure she came out of this okay was check, and recheck, and recheck their work.

_Thirty hours to go._

“Don’t think I’m bein’ judgmental when I say this, but...”

Laila jumped visibly, turned in her chair and blinked hard as sympathetic baby blues gave her a soft, coy smile and a hand came to rest on her shoulder.

It was _him_.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“H-how did you get past the biometrics-” she stammered as he chuckled.

“Please, that stuff’s child’s play,” he scoffed as he leaned over the back of her chair on his elbow and idly ran one nail under the other. “I could wire a lock like that in my sleep.

“Well, regardless,” she huffed as she stacked her printouts and tablet into a pile, saved her work, and shut down her computer. “You shouldn’t be wandering around without an escort.”

“Oh, but I’ve got one,” he replied, quick and casual.

Thin black brows wrinkled in confusion and she tilted her head as her eyes scanned the room quickly for any other movement, but the lab was empty with the exception of the two of them. “And who might that be?”

Cayde popped his eyebrows, tipped his chin and grinned wider as he gestured toward her with open arms, but the gesture just made her roll her eyes and shake her head.

“Are you always this… coy with women you’ve only just met?” she asked in an exasperated tone as she pushed her chair out and stood.

“Just the pretty ones,” he admitted truthfully with a pause as she gathered her things and exhaled with a loud huff. “Well-... that and the ones who save my life, anyway.”

Laila’s hand paused momentarily as fingertips slipped over the edges of her three-ring notebook, then curled and moved it into the crook of her arm. “I haven’t saved anything yet,” she corrected.

“No, but you’re _tryin’ to_ ,” he responded evenly as the smile faded to a more serious expression. Eyes darted from the back of her head to the books on her desk and back as she moved them. “And for that, I just wanted to say, thank you.”

 _Gratitude, sincerity_. She certainly hadn’t expected that much of the man and his carefree but chauvinistic persona. Her head lifted and she turned halfway toward him while keeping her eyes focused on the floor beside her, now curious but not wanting to encourage him.

“Well… you’re welcome,” she answered after a pause as she grabbed her tablet and coffee cup from earlier in the evening. “Now, back to your… hole or, wherever it is Dr. Bray is keeping you for the next six weeks.”

“AH AH- not so fast,” he interrupted as she passed and reached out a hand to pull her arm with a gentle tug, at which she turned and leered fiercely for him to let her go. “Where do you think you’re goin’ with all those books?”

“To log my data for the night, what does it matter?” she retorted as she wrestled her arm free of his grasp and badged out of the lab; Cayde didn’t miss a beat, turned on heel and followed.

“Well if you want things to go off without a hitch, you gotta rest that brilliant mind of yours,” he commented as he trotted to catch up and walk beside her.

“It’s important that I file my reports while the day is still fresh.”

“What’s important is giving yourself a break so you don’t burn out.”

Her nose wrinkled and she frowned in protest as she glanced up at him and stopped, noting the concern in every edge of his face. “I don’t think you understand-”

“Look, I just wanna make sure my savior’s on her best game… that’s all,” he explained, very matter-of-fact in his delivery; this time she believed him.

A smile of her own slowly made its way into the corners of her mouth and turned up into the apples of her cheeks. More than meets the eye, it seemed. “What was your name again?”

The wild grin returned, spreading wider and brighter than before. “Friends call me Cayde, and I like to keep it that way,” he said with a slight toss of his head as he ran nervous fingers through short, sandy brown hair and fingered the longer locks in front to brush them off of his forehead.

“Well Cayde, it was good to run into you again, but I suppose I should be getting back to my room.”

“Good, glad to hear I could talk some sense into you… so which way you headed?”

For a moment she was irked at what seemed like a forward gesture, and she scoffed and strode away from him. “I’m quite capable of getting there on my own… not like there’s ever any danger walking from one building to the next.”

“So?” he replied with a friendly grin. “There somethin’ wrong with takin’ a walk?”

“No, not really-”

“Because I mean, that’s what I was doin’ before I found you,” he continued and motioned to her with one hand. “Don’t know about you, but I hate being cooped up in this place. I got itchy legs, gotta keep movin’, can’t stay in one place too long.”

“So you wandered into a secure laboratory in the middle of the night because you were bored?” Laila laughed and shook her head as he grinned sheepishly.

“Alright alright, you got me,” he admitted as he held up his hands. “Truth is the room they put me up in’s pretty small- no window, minimum space for my stuff, and they gave me this cot that’s just…” Hands gestured and he cringed to imply how small and uncomfortable it was. “Let’s just say it ain’t like home.”

“And what’s that?”

“A mashed up pillow, a pile of blankets, and a small roll-out mattress in the corner of my ship.” He turned away and sighed as he closed his eyes and reminisced. “Nothin’ like the hum of the warp and the shine of the void above you. It’s the perfect recipe for sleep.“

“A midnight walk might help with that.”

“My thoughts exactly,” he agreed as he slipped one hand into his pocket. Laila watched him out of the corner of her eye as he walked beside her in silence for several moments, all slack shoulders and heavy steps, pockets jingling softly with every other step. She must have been pretty absorbed in her work to have missed it before.

“If your accommodations are really that uncomfortable, they must have put you up in one of the quarantine rooms at the back of the lab,” she noted with a small smirk. “So, you were in there the whole time then?”

Another timid grin followed by a short laugh painted his cheeks a pale shade of pink as one hand slipped up the back of his neck and rubbed at it. “Ah… would you still like me if I said I wasn’t quite as mysterious as I seem?”

Laila smothered a grin but couldn’t hide it very well. Cheeks twitched and she rolled her eyes as she looked away from him. “I’m not even sure I like you now.”

Cayde gasped and dramatically smacked his hand over his heart as if he’d been shot, and gave her a puppy dog look she didn’t think he would have been capable of. “ _Please_ , Doctor… you wound me!”

“Then your pride must be pretty fragile,” she laughed with a small pat on the back of his shoulders. “But I don’t buy that for a second.”

“Then you’re right to listen to your gut,” he agreed with a toothy grin. “Takes a lot more than a verbal jab to kill my spirits.”

“How about a jealous, overprotective fiancé?”

“Fiancé!?” Embarrassment got the better of Cayde and he exploded into flustered laughter. “No kiddin’… figures.”

“What does?” she asked as she turned her eyes up to his and gave him a small grin.

“Well, I owe Clovis a lot of money so I’m probably gonna be here a while,” he said with sadness in his voice. “And it turns out the only interesting woman who’s given me the time of day since I got here three days ago’s already found her prince charming. Might be a lonely few years.”

“There are plenty of interesting women in Freehold,” she replied with confidence and a coy undertone. “If you don’t hang your hopes on the first one you meet, I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Aww… is that a compliment somewhere in there?”

“A compliment..? No,” she answered as she gently pressed her lips to one side in idle thought. “But aside from the _aggressive flirting_... you’re not _terrible_ company, and someone just might fall for that boyish charm.”

Cayde exhaled, pushed both brows together and relaxed his smile. “That’s what I keep hopin’...”

Laila paused at the corner of the next hallway to their left, turned and squinted her eyes to examine his face; unsure of what to do, he squinted back and mimicked her expression, and she huffed through her nose.

“That right there..?” she nodded with an upward tip of her chin toward him. “Now _that’s_ real.”

“The hell are you talkin’ about?” he asked with a blank look.

“When you speak your mind instead of hiding behind shallow attempts at starting conversations rather than relationships,” she explained with sincerity in her voice.

The muscles in his face relaxed one by one as he realized what she was saying and a fondness washed over him that lifted his spirits but seeded uncertainty. Eyes flickered down to hers and he let out a quiet sigh. “And how would I do that…?”

“What, start a relationship?” she asked as eyes brightened innocently with a playful smile. “ _You just did_. Keep it up and you may even earn yourself a friend.”

“A friend would be nice.”

“Well then next time, lead with that.”

His entire demeanor changed in a flash, all he could do was stand there and grin as she started to walk away, but when she made it about halfway down the hall, almost to her door, he finally remembered what he wanted to ask.

“SO WAIT, IT’S THAT SIMPLE?” he called as she reacted with a gesture for him to lower his voice. “That’s what women want?”

“Women?,” she replied with a pause and a climbing grin. “Who said anything about women?”

Cayde was about to respond when she caught him off guard with the last thing he expected her to say, and he choked on his words, eyes wide and cheeks burning bright.  “I-I did! I mean, I wouldn’t- I don’t-” he sputtered defensively.

“Enjoy your walk, hotshot… and try not to get into too much trouble.”


	4. Sideshow 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merric vents to Jynn about Laila's decision to volunteer as Nirvana's first test subject, without first asking how he'd feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Bungie.net](https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/227633976)  
>  **Deviantart** : http://fav.me/dbb6pyn  
>  **Tumblr** : <http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/161309722813/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-sideshow-1>

“So... how are you handling the news?”

“I’m _not_ ,” he admitted under his breath as teeth clenched, lip twitched and eyes shut tight. One hand curled around his bicep as the other pressed thumb and index finger into the bridge of his nose and the corners of his Amber eyes and he exhaled with a groan. 

“ _You don’t say_ ,” she replied with dreary sarcasm dripping thick in her words. The woman lowered her gaze as she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall with one shoulder and eyed him as he paced the room. “Your fiance decided on her own that she’s going to be the first lab rat for Nirvana, I thought you’d be shittin’ out rainbows and gumdrops and pissin’ glitter right about now.”

Merric stopped and shot her a dirty look and a threatening growl (which she shrugged off), lifted both hands above his head and ran his fingers through short, dark brown hair, clawing at his scalp with a nervous twitch in his digits. 

Jynn shrugged, rolled her eyes and let out a soft sigh. “I know you’re freaked out, I mean _what are you doing about it_?” she asked with reserved curiosity, not wanting to push too hard. He was always so collected, ready to weather the next storm, but this... It hurt to see him like this- apprehensive, insecure, defeated, none of which she knew him to be. Green eyes bore into the back of his head like laser-beams as he stood there silent and unmoving, likely lost in his own mind as he tried to think of what he could say that would make her stop and take his feelings into consideration. 

“Nothing.”

Brow hardened and eyes widened in disbelief. “ _Nothing!?_ ” 

“Well what do you want me to say!?” he blurted out as he threw his hands down, turned and looked at her with pleading eyes. “What _should_ I say...? What _can_ I say!?” There was agony in his voice and a rasp that worsened the tighter his throat clenched. Lips drew thin and eyes looked past her as he recalled their conversation. 

“Tell her to let someone else take the risk.”

“I tried that,” he said, agitated, “That’s actually the _problem_ I can’t get her to see past.”

“What problem is that?”

“Unethical procedures in the workplace,” he passively replied, noting her change of expression and body language the moment she realized what he was getting at.

“You mean...”

“I _know_ you remember Dr. Shirazi’s patients from her research on the Nanite swarms.”

Jynn slipped a hand up over her right shoulder and dug her fingers into her collarbone. “Yeah... still got a scar from Splendor 2.6. Hurts when it gets cold y’know.”

“Well... Freehold is a small settlement, and people like to talk. It wasn’t her project but she knew Dr. Shirazi, and she heard all about her failures. Clovis Bray is notorious for using civilian test subjects for their research, and she doesn’t want to be a part of that legacy.”

Eyes hardened and she cast her gaze to his feet as she took in the realization, while simultaneously trying to fight it off. “So she’d rather risk giving up her life with you than letting someone else take the risk as they always have?”

Merric leaned over his knees and leaned back into a chair with all his weight, slumped and drew in a deep breath before letting it out in a long, controlled sigh. “If she let this happen and something went wrong, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself... which is just as bad.” He placed a hand over his face and closed his eyelids for a few moments as he chuckled, then parted his index and middle finger and opened his eyes to narrow slits to look over at her. 

Jynn’s face had softened, unable to hide her sympathy. She knew Laila, just not as well as he did, but she did know her well enough to know that her dear friend was the most important person in her life, she just didn’t think Merric would have been second to her career. 

“But still... you would have helped her through the guilt... why would she choose her career over you?”

“She’s not choosing her career,” he forced a grim smile and slouched more in his chair before kicking another chair from beside him under his outstretched legs and crossed his ankles. “She’s choosing what she feels would a better quality of life... if she doesn’t have to carry the guilt of a human life on her conscience for the rest of her life, we’ll both be happier in the long run.” 

Fingers drummed against her arm in frustration and she huffed through her nose in irritation. 

“But more importantly, she wants to set a better example that she hopes others will follow. Just because it isn’t public knowledge what goes on in the labs of Clovis Bray, doesn’t mean there isn’t blood on their hands.”

The silence grew as an unspoken acceptance passed between them. Neither had to elaborate to know what it meant. Although she had weighed her own feelings when making her final decision, it ultimately had come down to the simple fact that she could save lives, and they couldn’t argue with that. 

“Damn it,” Jynn mumbled as she turned and began to pace the room herself, hands lowered to her hips. “But why her? Why not someone else?”

“Because no one else would.”

“But what if something does go wrong...?” she protested. “She’s one of the lead Scientists on Nirvana, no one knows her job like she does. How would they move forward without her?”

Merric shook his head, grabbed his coat off the chair on the other side of him, dropped it over his head and crossed his arms. “She’s confident they won’t fail... and, as terrified as I am, I believe she knows what she’s doing. So.”

“You’re doing nothing.”

“Yeah.”

“But it feels so _wrong_.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Hands balled into fists and she tucked them under her arms as she looked away, shrugged helplessly, and sighed. “Alright, just... let me know if you need anything... okay?”

“Right now all I need is a goddamn nap,” he growled from under his jacket as he shifted again to get more comfortable. "Wake me up in half an hour, unless something comes up.”

“Yeah... sure thing boss. Get it while you can.”

_Twenty two hours to go._


	5. Memory 2- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laila begins to dissociate as she waits for Project Nirvana to launch, and Doctor Larson talks her down from an anxiety attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Bungie.net](https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/229905165)  
>  **Deviantart** : <http://fav.me/dbjlvwl>  
> **Tumblr** : <http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/164007070993/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-memory-2-part>

The mechanical groaning and mumbling of the staff in the lab hummed like a haze over her dissociative thoughts as technicians circled and fumbled to hook wires up to the probe ports in the head cap’s webbing. Laila could hardly hear them above the snapping of jacks clicking into place as they asked her simple “yes” or “no” questions, but she’d already heard them all before and had memorized them in order so she could respond with an absent nod or shake of her head as she stared unfocused into the space before her. No one seemed to notice how out-of-body she felt.

For the last three months they’d been taking daily brain scans as they asked questions, provoked reactions, and asked her to recall as much of her life as she possibly could, for four to five hours each day, in order to measure the accuracy of Nirvana’s “Cognitive Profile Transcription” software. Dr. Evangeline Larson was a psychotherapist, one tasked with monitoring the development of AI higher cognition, bringing out the best in their developing personalities, and evaluating whether or not it would be wise to allow an AI to advance in their project beyond the digital rendering of its mind. Today, however, she would be doing Laila’s job as well, which hopefully wouldn’t require much more than the push of a button and watching for any red code while they waited for the imprint to finish processing. If all went according to plan, she would wake up in her own body, with an exact rendering of her consciousness in the body of an Exo.

Across the room Eva directed her assistants to their stations and walked them through their responsibilities, group by group. To the left out of the corner of her eye, Merric stood dutifully at his post, one which he’d requested assignment to so he would be there if something went wrong; he was nervous, eyes shifting around the room every few seconds to cast his skepticism on those whose hands he’d be leaving his partner’s life in, and to warn them of who he’d harm first if anything happened to her. Above them, from an observation deck, Clovis’ presence loomed like a dark cloud, watching them with an expectant twitch in his hand that ticked his index finger against the handle of his cane that she could hear every time his wedding band tapped against the marble. Through her blurry vision she couldn’t recognize anyone else, save his unmistakable silhouette, but she’d seen the guest list and committed every name to memory. With him, the Board of Directors, among whom the Commissioner of the Development of Artificial Intelligence was present, mumbled and laughed amongst themselves as they waited for clearance from the team to begin the procedure. She had only ever spoken to them once or twice, but today not one of them had requested to speak with her, not one of them had questioned why she had put herself in this position.

Perhaps it was because today she was not one of them- not one of Clovis Bray’s best and brightest, no mathematician, no engineer, no physicist, not even a scientist at all; today she was “Subject #001-1”, and she was hope, promise, and risk. To Mr. Bray and his investors, today she was not even a person, she was property in a hospital gown: an observer to their dream which she’d made a reality. Today Eva wasn’t her friend and colleague, she was her doctor; Merric wasn’t her lover but her prison guard, and to the Bray corporation she wasn’t anyone important, she was-

_Disposable._

The word made her shudder as anxious tremors settled into her shoulders, spine, and stomach and twitched her muscles in slow, excruciating progression. Laila’s eyes glazed over as she swallowed and swayed in her chair; she felt sick.

_Why had she done this? This wasn’t what she wanted! Why had she volunteered to take herself out of the equation?_ She’d been rash, she’d been angry, but most of all she’d been too kind, too empathetic, _too stubborn_ and _too prideful_. And now here she was, a cog in the machine, watching herself disappear, to protect the well-being of someone she hardly knew. How could she have allowed this to happen?

Straps locked down tight over her wrists and pulled her shoulders back flat against the chair, and Laila’s eyes snapped shut as Eva leaned the seat back to allow her body to lounge and encourage her muscles to relax, but she stiffened under her hand on her shoulder and gave a quiet whimper that didn’t go unnoticed.

Dr. Larson could feel the tension radiating from every pore, and it made even her a little uneasy. In the eight years she had known Laila, she’d never been afraid of anything. Curious, excited, ready to break the glass ceiling of scientific advancement- but not scared, not doubtful. Eva traced soft fingertips over her forehead and along her temple, tucked the hair out of her face behind her ear and sighed. “Dr. Essam, I need you to relax,” she cooed in a soothing tone as she gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Laila eyes snapped open and focused on hers and let the fear flow out of them wide and glistening, lips drawn tight. Panic was setting in, and her brainwaves were off the charts, unbalanced. She needed to realign her mental state before they could safely proceed, or it could permanently fracture her consciousness.

“Please, I need you to _breathe_ ,” she tried again.

“I-I can’t,” she stammered, paused and swallowed as she quivered.

“Yes you can,” she coaxed as she motioned with one hand and breathed along with her words. “Just breathe out, take a deep breath in-”

“I’m afraid, I just-” she stammered uncertainly, eyes trailing away from her face without focus. How could she pinpoint exactly what she was feeling when she was drowning in depersonalization?

Eva paused, sighed, and lowered her gaze to meet hers. “You weren’t afraid three days ago… you weren’t even afraid when I spoke to you last night,” she started, eyes shifting from one to the other to make sure she was paying attention to her. “So what changed? What happened between then and now?”

Laila broke eye contact and directed her gaze floor-ward, then half-heartedly in the direction where Merric was standing, speaking with one of his superior officers, and immediately Eva knew what this was all about; but she waited… listened.

“There’s just so much at stake,” Laila muttered as Merric’s words came back to her and hit home. This could be the end of her life with him, and he wasn’t ready for that. Neither of them was. So _why hadn’t she listened before? Why had she put morality above the needs of the one she loved? What would happen to him if she didn’t come out of this?_

“Like what?”

“What if this doesn’t work?” her voice cracked and she strained to breathe as her throat tightened. “What if it does but I end up stuck in this body that isn’t mine for the rest of my life? Or what if-”

Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes and rolled freely down her cheeks as she blinked her eyes clear of the watery blur crowding at the edges of her vision. “… what if I die?”

Eva frowned sympathetically and crouched down beside her, observing the quivering in her arms, her jaw, the hardly noticeable shuddering of her eyes, and dilated pupils. They were valid concerns- the probability that something would go wrong was low and, if she were in control of herself in her right mind, even lower than with unprepared subjects. The likelihood of catastrophic failure decreased from seven percent to two percent, giving them a ninety-eight percent chance of success. It wasn’t going to get much better than that.

“A two percent chance of failure didn’t bother you before,” she noted. “So why does it now?”

Laila exhaled, furrowed her brow and lifted her eyes to meet hers with a guilty look in them. “This morning, when I made it home, Merric was awake… had been most of the night. And he-… we fought.”

Eva rolled an understanding response in her throat. “He doesn’t want you to go through with this?”

“No,” she confessed in a morbid tone, “He’s upset that I didn’t consult him first… that I volunteered without taking into consideration how he felt about me taking the risk of changing not only _my life_ indefinitely but his too… that I didn’t stop to consider what would happen if we _did fail_ and what would happen to him if-…” Laila cut herself off before she could say the words again, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. “And it just _hit me_ that-” she paused and exhaled with a shrug. “He’s right.”

“You feel guilty then?”

“I guess that’s part of it, yes…” she replied thoughtfully, “Now I can’t stand the thought of what would happen if something did happen to me… his anguish would be my doing,” she cried quietly as she curled over, and the quiver in her lip returned. “And I didn’t even…”

Doctor Larson shook her head and looked toward him. “I see…” she breathed quietly.

“But it’s not just that,” she sniffled and took in a deep breath as she snapped her head up. “Looking around, waiting for all this to begin, I’ve realized for the first time that-” Trembling eyes jumped around the lab from one person to the next without following any real pattern or focus as she said quietly in detached tenor, “ _I’m not needed_.”

The Doctor’s expression drained briefly but she sighed and disposed of the sorrow before Laila could get a read. Intrusive thoughts or not, she shouldn’t have allowed herself to dwell on lies fabricated by her anxiety. “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course you’re needed.”

“This thing that I’ve spent so long working to perfect is about to run for the first time, _without_ my input,” Laila frowned and set her gaze on the empty chair behind her desk as people walked by without even an instinctual glance to say hello; the Doctor closed her eyes and shook her head in front of her. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“Yes you do,” she insisted, shook her arm until she turned to look at her, and she smiled sadly. “No one wanted you to volunteer for this, not even Clovis, and we all fought tooth and nail to change your mind-” She hesitated, lifted her shoulders helplessly and chuckled under her breath with a grim smile. “But you wanted to take the risk.”

“But… why? _Why would I do that_?” she asked in exasperation.

“Because you care,” Eva placed a soft hand over one of hers and tilted her head with a reassuring smile. “You’ve seen harmful things come out of research meant to benefit mankind, and you don’t want to be a part of that legacy,” she reminded as she brushed her thumb over her fingers in quiet thought for several moments before she asked, “Do you remember what you said to me the last time I tried to talk you out of this?” If she couldn’t give her answers, maybe she could jog her memory.

For the life of her, she couldn’t recall the conversation… probably because she had been too focused or too tired ( _or both_ ) to know what was happening; she clenched her hand tight around the edge of the armrest of her chair and unclenched it as she shook her head with a dejected look.

“You told me you didn’t become a scientist because it was a smart career choice… you did it because you wanted to know what you were capable of. You didn’t sign onto this project because it was safe, you signed on because the possibilities thrilled you.”

The distance in her eyes dissipated just long enough that Eva could see the focus return for a split-second, so she continued.

“You volunteered yourself because you were horrified by what happened to Dr. Shirazi’s patients, and swore you wouldn’t let it happen to any of yours. And _this_ … to be the _first_ human consciousness to exist as an Exo?” Brows lifted and hand squeezed tight over hers. “You said it was a milestone, something to remember. You were _excited_ for the opportunity, to make your mark on history, as a forebearer of your work into the far future.”

_Excited_? Maybe before when she was in the moment and not thinking clearly, but she didn’t want this anymore. Her head shook back and forth, slowly at first, but quickened as she processed her change of heart. “This was foolish of me,” she breathed with panic in her voice as she tried to sit up.

“Yes, _it was_ ,” she agreed, “But that’s what makes you such a great scientist, and that’s why you’re so important to us-”

“No, _you don’t understand_ ,” she protested through the tears as Eva furrowed her brow in confusion. “I feel like everything I’ve worked for has been erased, like I didn’t contribute to any of this.”

“Laila…” The Doctor’s heart sank heavy like a lead weight, her words confirming her suspicions.

“I don’t feel like I’m here anymore… It feels like I’m already gone.”

The silence that passed was hollow and pained, dry and unsettling. The clacking of instruments on the countertops and the rolling of carts and chairs, the murmur of voices, and the white noise of the database hub were suddenly so much more clear and sharp, reinforcing the distance the words had just carved between them. It hurt more than she thought it could to hear the finality in her voice, like she had already decided her fate.

When she looked up again Laila’s face was empty, resigned to something that hadn’t yet happened. If she didn’t fix this now…

Eva steeled her resolve and hardened her voice. “The only reason that would _ever happen_ would be if _you gave up on yourself_.”

There was a flash of anger that shocked her back into focus, followed by confusion and deep thought, but she was listening now. Really listening, rather than fighting against reason.

“We could never forget you, sweetheart. You know that. You’re worth so much more to everyone in this room than who your mind tells you you are when you’re sitting in that chair. Even when you are gone, which won’t be for a very long time… after what we accomplish here today, your achievements will be remembered for hundreds of years to come.”

There were tears in her eyes again, but this time they were grateful tears. Hidden beneath the surface sadness was deep, overwhelming gratitude twitching at the corners of her eyes and lips.

Eva smiled, the way she always did when she worried about her, and in that moment Laila remembered who she was… to them, to herself, to Clovis Bray… but she wavered. The muscles in her face trembled and she tried to speak, but Eva just moved to brush her tears away with her thumb, smeared them across her cheek, slipped a hand into hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Clovis Bray wouldn’t be where it is today without your insight,” she assured, “And that’s why I know we’ll succeed. That’s why I know everything’s going to be alright, because we all know you and we have faith in you. So please… have a little faith in us, and in yourself.”

Laila’s hand finally gripped tight around hers and she nodded hard and jagged in response. “Yes Doctor… I will. Thank you for your wisdom and your patience.”

“Just take a breath and try not to worry,” she said and presented her with a calming smile, “It’s just like any other day.”

Laila’s eyes relaxed and they focused on her face after long last as she went back to doing her final checks. Fingers loosened and the tremors in her arms and back dispelled a little bit at a time as she breathed in cycles. She was starting to come to her senses.

Eyes floated around the room once more, but this time she realized how many people were actually watching her, and how concerned they looked. Even the board seemed uncomfortable with her decision to take Cayde’s place, which she deduced by the way they had isolated him at the other end of the observation deck and kept casting him judgmental looks. Her new friend seemed just as uneasy as anyone else, if not a bit more so out of sheer guilt that she was the one strapped to a table, jacked into a server and being harvested of her self-awareness, and not him.

But she put the morbid thought out of her head and turned her attention back to Merric, just in time to lock eyes with him as he flashed her a little smile; her heart fluttered, her eyelids faltered with a neediness that radiated from a shy smile as it pulled into her cheeks. She needed to talk to him before they put her under.

_Come here_ , she mouthed, at which he blinked expectantly and tilted an ear as if it would help him hear better. _Please, I need to talk to you_ , she tried again; even though he didn’t understand he trotted across the room anyway and wrapped a hand around hers as he set piercing brown eyes on hers and waited for her to speak.

A chill raced through her and she forced out a short breath as she curled her fingers into his. How she needed so badly to be held…

“Merric I… I wanted to apologize…” she started nervously.

“For what?”

“For not considering your feelings more seriously…” she explained in a glum tone, “… or at all. I should have listened, I shouldn’t have made this decision on my own.”

His expression remained unchanged, but for a moment he looked away and let out a quiet sigh, shook his head and looked back at her. “No, you shouldn’t have,” he scolded as he squeezed her hand tight, “But it doesn’t matter now, that’s behind us. What you need to do is to focus on the task at hand.” Merric’s brows popped hard as he waited for her to acknowledge him, and when she nodded he continued.

“You’re gonna go through with this and you’re gonna be fine, alright?” he assured as he knelt down beside her and shifted his hand up over her arm so he could hold as much of her as he could in spite of the restraints. Laila’s lip curled and she gave him a loving smile and an understanding nod as she curled her fingers around his forearm in desperate response.

“I really appreciate your apology but we’re gonna be fine… I promise. I’m not angry, I could never be angry. Because I know that even if you had come to me about this first, we would have ended up in the same place we are now because that’s _who you are_. Once you’ve set your mind to something, there’s no stopping you come hell or high-water… it’s a rare kind of dedication, and I love you for that.”

She let out a wistful sigh, refusing to break eye contact even as one of the assistants interrupted to attach the EKG and defibrillator pads to her chest, and let slip a quiet “I love you so much” just between them.

Merric smiled, cupped his other hand over her cheek and leaned up to kiss her, tender and warm. “I wouldn’t have relocated to Mars if I wasn’t prepared that you’d risk anything in the pursuit of science. If you’re worried that you’ve somehow damaged our relationship or that things have changed between us, _they haven’t_. I still love you today as much as I did before all this happened… so don’t let regret keep you from reaching your goals. You go do what you do best, and I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done.”

“Captain? We need you to step away from the patient. It’s time”

He turned and nodded but squeezed her hand one last time as he rose to his feet, then made his way back to his post. Laila’s attention shifted to the assistants now buzzing around her making their final checks, opened her mouth obediently as they slipped a silicone guard between her teeth, and glanced up at the observation deck one last time. Cayde was holding his breath, Doctor Bray’s brow was hard and stern but he gave her a firm nod as if to wish her luck; she nodded in return, took in a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Eva had returned to recheck the dial settings and disengage the safety locks. With one hand on the switch and one hand on her shoulder, she prepared her for the final step.

“Alright, Laila… here we go. Deep breath.”

A dull hum started, just for a second, and the apparatus engaged.

She breathed in slow and deep as her subconscious was given full control, and she rode the memory surge as it flowed through the drift between mind and machine. Bright lights, sharp drops, quick turns, and warm shocks enveloped her for an immeasurable length of time- whether long or short, she couldn’t really tell, but eventually, she could see the end, the way out. A familiar voice was calling to her from beyond the current.


	6. Thanatonaut: The Deep Stone Crypt (Sideshow 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cayde has questions for Laila about her conversion, and in exchange for her candor he reveals a shocking truth about the man they call Clovis Bray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Find this on Bungie.net** : [Thanatonaut: The Deep Stone Crypt (Sideshow 2)]()  
>  **Deviantart** : [Thanatonaut: The Deep Stone Crypt (Sideshow 2)](http://fav.me/dc4owsi)  
>  **Tumblr** : [Thanatonaut: The Deep Stone Crypt (Sideshow 2)](http://fireteam-daybreak.tumblr.com/post/171437396188/thanatonaut-the-deep-stone-crypt-sideshow-2)

The air in the lab was frigid. Cayde shifted the hospital gown and pulled it out of the pile that had gathered in the crack of his ass; he huffed as he hunched his shoulders over his knees and leaned forward to drum his fingers idly against the cold edge of the steel examination table. A month already he'd spent on Mars preparing for his new life, his days full of psychoanalysis, strangers asking questions and dredging up memories he hadn't thought about in years, physicals… but, all in good company, so there was that. Today he’d been sitting there for three hours without much to keep him occupied, other than staring out the window and making faces at anyone who glanced in at him as they walked by, and that had gotten boring after the fourth scientist had had no reaction. And then there was Laila, who had been just so goddamn quiet today, not that she had ever been particularly chatty, but at least when she was smiling he knew he’d never be bored; this was different though. It was a solemn, uncomfortable silence he wasn’t sure he should prod at. 

His head turned to the Exo to his left -- the first of her kind, the only one in existence to possess the complexity of a completely human mind -- as her mechanical fingers tapped at a keyboard and eyes diligently scanned the data being fed to the computer before her from the electrodes pasted all over his body from head to toe ( _yes toes, fingers too_ ), and he grinned. 

“Am I really so interesting that you haven’t even bothered to touch your coffee yet today?”

Laila stopped typing as her eyes unfocused, and she blinked a few times, shook her head and turned to him. “Wh- what?”

He popped his brows to motion toward the still full paper coffee cup on the countertop beside her, and her head followed, accompanied by a low mechanical whirring in her chest and lowered eyelids. “Oh…” her voice trailed off as her gaze fell to the floor, the lights in her cheeks went out completely and she turned back to the computer desk. “Yeah… it just, hasn’t quite been the same since the conversion,” she noted with a sadness in her eyes that was hard to miss. 

Cayde’s demeanor was soon to follow as he sat up straight and leaned back on his hands, looked off to the side in thought for a moment. “Yeah, I suppose it wouldn’t...” he started as he mulled over whether or not he should ask any more questions. It wasn’t like he hadn’t noticed the absence of little love notes, or that the ring she’d worn on a chain around her neck had stayed with the “other her”, or that Merric had stopped acknowledging her when he passed her in the halls. Those things had stayed with her true self- no, her _human_ self, the self that had given her independent life, separate from what she’d remembered ( _or perhaps known, he was still trying to sort that out for himself_ ). The signs were hard to miss, when those were the things he’d been afraid of since the day he’d agreed to Clovis Bray’s offer. 

“Suppose a lot of things would be different,” he mumbled without thinking, at which her cheeks, brow plates, and lips contorted, and she looked away for a brief moment she was almost able to hide. 

Laila’s shoulders dropped after an extended silence and her fans whirred a sigh. “Yeah… you could say that,” she replied. 

“I mean, can you even still _taste_ food? Do you need to eat or is it just a habit? Where does it all _go_? Do you have to like, you know… “empty the tank” once in a while? Do you get hot or cold? If you stub your toe does it hurt so bad it makes you wanna-”

The Exo woman’s hands slammed down on the countertop in a way that made him jump and snap his head around to fixate on her standing there with her head hung, jaw frozen, and hands quivering, and Cayde swallowed hard but quiet. Books swayed and glass bottles rattled on the metal shelves as they settled back into place, and the repetition of the heart rate monitors’ beeping was broken as fear flooded thick into his chest and quickened the otherwise steady rhythm. It wasn’t the reaction itself that scared him as much as it was that Exo _didn’t_ act like this ( _rash and emotional_ ), and he wasn’t sure what came next. 

But after half a minute of silence, he heard a familiar sputtering in her chest that mimicked a muffled cry, and he sighed, quiet and heavy. “Laila... are you okay?” he asked hesitantly, his eyes looking toward the side of her head as she struggled to compose herself. After a few moments she shook her head, and his face softened as his heart sank and the playfulness left him. Even if humor made things easier for him, it wasn’t always the answer for others, and he could tell he may have crossed a line he wasn’t aware of. Normally she would just roll her eyes or scoff and shake her head, or hell sometimes she’d even _laugh_ , but her good-natured vibe had become something dark and desperate to be left alone. Focusing on her work had gone from a light jog to a grueling marathon, and a usual lack of patience with him had been replaced by an alarming disdain for her own existence. Everything about her aura felt so wrong, he wasn’t sure he wanted to ask why; if he already had an idea of what the answer would be, it wasn’t particularly something he wanted to hear. 

And that was exactly why he persisted. 

One hand lifted off the table and ever so slightly reached toward her, but retracted almost as quickly as it moved, and he sat chewing on the inside of his lip for a moment more before he mustered up the strength to ask, “What’s bothering you?”

She remained quiet, very clearly torn between wanting to confide in him and wanting to keep her anguish to herself as she always had. Her relationship was her business, but that was before Merric had denounced her as the woman he’d loved and written her off as nothing more than an AI with memories synthesized from the neural synapses of her human counterpart. This situation was new and uncomfortable. All she wanted was to talk to him and work things out the way they always had, but that wasn’t something he wanted so there was no closure or resolution- only the deep, vast abyss of despair she’d resigned herself to living in. 

The carbon fiber in her cheeks strained painfully and she opened her mouth to say one thing, but said the opposite. “I don’t think… that’s appropriate for me to discuss with you-”

“You mean how devastating it’s been to be torn out of your life and live as a shadow, watching everything you’ve known and loved continue on as if you’d never left?”

The pale and sickly look of a person’s facade shattering as their heart dropped into their stomach was unmistakable, even when their face lacked muscle and skin to express the agony; it was depressing, and he wished he had phrased it a little more delicately.

“I may be consciously dismissive of things that make me uncomfortable,” he admitted with a somber chuckle as he waited for her to turn and look at him, “but I’m not stupid. Even a _blind man_ could see what this is doing to you.”

There was movement as she closed her eyes and shifted her posture, but she didn’t turn around.

“Are you gonna talk to me or are you just gonna let me babble on like an idiot until I accidentally say something to piss you off again?”

Laila’s shoulders relaxed and she turned just enough to glance over her shoulder at him. “Why do you care?” she asked, sadness in her voice. 

Cayde’s brows wrinkled and he forced a cheerless smile. “Other than the fact you’ve become my only semblance of a friend around here…” he hesitated as she glanced at the floor near his feet and took in a slow, shaky breath. “... I’m scared of what happens when it’s over, and you’re the only one who’s gone through this to know.”

Confusion and anger flashed across her face as she turned around, but when she met his eyes his genuine grief took her by surprise. Laila softened as she took a few small steps toward him, but startled when a hand shot out to clasp at the arm of her lab coat.

“Please,” his lower lip quivered as he begged, breathless and desperate and on the verge of tears. “I want to know what to expect.”

The Exo looked away as the lights in her mouth and cheeks lit up bright white, and in a flash of realization it clicked. Why would he be so terrified if he had nothing to lose? If all he had was himself and his old life as a mercenary… something didn’t add up. 

She paused, looked him dead in the eye until she was sure he wasn’t just jerking her chain, and asked after a few minutes of silence, “When I let you out of the lab the first night we spoke… why didn’t you just leave then?”

Cayde froze and blinked hard as he processed her question. He didn’t know what she was getting at. “What do you mean? 

“You said you owed Dr. Bray a debt you could never work off, but that didn’t stop you from running from it,” her brow plates lowered and she squinted at him and shook her head ever so slightly as she thought aloud in a capricious tone, “Until now.”

The color drained right out of his face as sadness morphed into alarm. Blue eyes shifted around the room in frantic sweeps before he stuttered a response. “I- I just got tired of it, y’know? Couldn’t even go to the bar without being spotted by someone on his payroll.”

“I can tell when you’re lying,” she commented with a raise of her brow as she gestured over her shoulder with her thumb at a three-dimensional rendering of his brain on one of the monitors. 

“I’m not lying-”

“ _Cayde_ ,” cyan lit eyes locked onto his with a stern insistence. “When I went through the neural transfer and woke up in this artificial body, my life changed in ways I could have never expected. Clovis Bray was kind enough to keep me employed, but I’m doing the work of an intern. As much as I want to go back and see my family again, they’d never recognize me as I am now, so I’m confined to a life in this lab until Dr. Bray either no longer has a use for me or I break down and die. And worst of all, the love of my life refuses to acknowledge that I’m still the woman he knows and loves, he won’t even look at me,” her voice cracked and nearly cut out, but he didn’t look away. He watched, waited, listened, patient and pensive. “It’s the worst thing I’ve had to endure, and every day I find it harder and harder to keep going and not just shut down so I don’t have to deal with the pain. I had a lot to lose and I wish I would have seen it sooner.”

The man’s shoulders dropped and he averted his eyes to hide the guilt. 

“All I know about you is what you’ve led me to believe- that you’re a womanizing, thrill-seeking mercenary who lives his life on the road and couldn’t settle down even if he tried. You have no ties, you drift wherever the void takes you.” As she said this he winced, and she noticed, but lightened her tone as she continued. “But that’s not what you’re scared to lose- you could go back to that anytime you want, so long as you square things here. So stop skirting the truth and tell me- what is it you’re so scared to lose? What’s keeping you here?”

Minutes passed as they stared each other down, Laila waiting for an answer, Cayde debating whether or not he should tell her what his real reasons were for being there. Clovis Bray was everywhere in Freehold, so who knew if he was listening even now? And could he trust her with the truth? _Should_ he trust her with the truth? Would she squeal or keep it to herself? And would knowing put her at risk? 

Finally, he groaned, clenched his teeth, leaned forward, shifted his eyes one more time, and looked at her decisively. “Can I trust you with the truth?”

The momentary freeze in her software hit her like a throbbing heart rising in her throat. “Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded in reply and he motioned for her to step closer to him, and as he leaned in within breathing distance he whispered a confession that would complete the tainted image of a man so thirsty for knowledge, influence, and wealth he would have destroyed the world itself just to rebuild it in his image. Her gut wrenched, anger like she’d never known boiled over in shaking fists and eyes-wide open, and every last synthetic muscle in her body tensed like a rubber band stretched too far for comfort. It was far worse than what she could have expected. 

_He has my wife and son._


End file.
